Hi. I just want to talk to you. Talk about what has happened, where it brought us, what we were and who we become… It is going to be a nice talk. I promise I won’t blame you, because now I am understanding I don’t have to blame you. Not me. Love has to blame you. I was taking shower and thinking about you. I don’t remember what exactly, oh, no, wait I do.
While water was going down my face I remembered that sound. That horrible sound that was coming out of me when I was sinking in my own tears. I wouldn’t remember it but fortunately I have send some voice notes to my soul friends and I was barely breathing in it. Crying out all of me. I remember those pauses between words I did because of how hard was it for me to speak, pronounce. You wouldn’t like to hear it. But would you?
I want you to know all and everything about what I felt for you and what I have gone through. I want you to know everything and have no rights to tell me “I never loved you” and that “I left you so easily because I just was looking for a little reason “
You and I. The kind of couple that is almost impossible to be together but it happened. The love between us didn’t have to be said by words it was in our sights, in our silence and everyone else could see it. It was one of those rare kinds. Happens once in many- many years, I won’t say once in a lifetime because I am not writing a novel but a real story. So you became my love after many-may years and you’ll stay for many-many years.
I never told you a lot of things. I never told you about things that were against our love, such as distance, time, culture, languages, parents, lifestyles, visions but love took over and I ate my inner voice telling me it could be wrong, I closed my eyes and I loved you. You and only you. Unconditionally. Everything was against us but we were tightening knots more and more. I never promised you forever but I always prayed for more. I knew we loved each other. LOVED and we meant it.
But then it happened. One day. One moment. One word. My world rushed.
I didn’t understand my feeling in the beginning. I didn’t understand if something died or left or I am wrong. Or maybe you are right, or nothing…
Two months has passed… are you healing yet… I feel empty… Sometimes I miss you…but I don’t want you back… Sometimes I mis you a lot seeing pictures on social media, you immediately pop up into my mind, but you don’t go further… I don’t let it go further. No, I don’t stop myself I am not that kind of a person. I hate pride and I think it makes people unhappy. I don’t stop myself because I know we live once and we should take love out of everything beautiful – in this case love out of love. I don’t stop myself but then I realize, I just don’t want to. I miss you but I don’t want you back. Then I think again, is it even possible? From one day to another the person can loose his place in your heart and I don’t understand. I start looking for the answer in me and think “Maybe I never loved you, but NO! I loved you more than myself! I loved you so much! “So fu**ing much that it’s even an absurd to think that way”. I think… “You never betrayed me… Why I just can’t go over it and go back to us? Why?” It is inside, it is something that just doesn’t let me…
The water was rushing my face and I was remembering that awful sound…
The cry and “Why did he do this to me”
Then suddenly I realized, you never did that to me… you never betrayed me.
You betrayed our LOVE
You betrayed our love and that’s she! Love was always pulling me to you, Love was guiding me. With you it was pure Love and now it is Love that doesn’t let me back to you, It is Love that doesn’t want you back, It is Love that doesn’t want to be hurt again!
And can you understand she is s fragile, that she doesn’t understand anything, she has no brains so she refuses to understand something. Love is quick-tempered, Love is frenzy. You can explain me all the situation and make me understand everything, I will try to get it, think, accept, because my brains help me, but Love won’t accept it anymore. How she was controlling in the beginning, without brains, taking all over it act the same! Again!
The only thing that exist in Her world are moments. And if you neglected the moment you broke the Love. And if you once broke Her she will never be the same.
It was Love that controlled me before and nothing has changed It is Love that controls me now. I am full of it. That is the exact reason why I don’t want you back, because Love refuses you, she doesn’t let me. I didn’t loose it, I am full of it. She is over you…
Breaking up with the person that meant the world to us is a difficult stage. We feel broken and think that I will never love anyone so much that I loved that person or that I will replace my heart with ice cold stone. We fight. Fight to ourselves and we do not understand this thing between heart and the brain. If in the beginning our brains were agains us and Love was shouting go for it and it was winning…have you ever noticed the irony how then Love is scared to be hurt and even if your brain accepts the facts, Love doesn’t anymore… And Love wins. Love wins anyways…
Don’t be afraid of not loving anymore, love never dies. It just protects and then flourishes when you less except it.
You never betrayed me. You betrayed our Love. And it is her, that makes me realize that
– I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE.